Little Fire

Anxiety Inertia

Posted by Boo , Sunday, June 20, 2010 4:07 PM

It's 4:08 pm and I've done nothing today. I'm not even dressed. I have so much to do that when I start to think about it my brain shuts down.

Anxiety.

I don't function well when my daughter isn't here. Sometimes I don't function well when she is here, and I don't know how to manage this anxiety.

I imagine, while stuck here, sweating through this lingering anxiety attack, that if I had a partner -- a husband or a boyfriend who actually wanted to spend time with me -- there would be no days with me emotionally and physically stuck. My home would be full of noise and joy and we would all do our parts and so much living and loving would get done. I would never be anxious and I would never be overwhelmed.

And my house would be neat and we'd have real meals!

I play this fantasy out in my head and it loops and before long the sitting and the sweating are accompanied by the crying.

Sometimes, it gets so bad that I want to ask my ex-husband to please come live with us for awhile. He hit me, cheated on me, verbally tortured me, and I want him here. Sometimes. I want the shape of another person here.

Because I don't want to be all alone all the time. I want PEOPLE. My own people. God I want a family.

My friend Barbara says some people just get fucked. Some people just don't get to have families.

OK...self pity ahead....

I want a family. Why don't *I* get a family? I would be a good partner and mom. I know I would. And I'd be happy. I would never take a minute for granted.

I know I am blessed. I adore my daughter. My life is touched daily by people who define what it is to be a good friend. I adore my friends. I do.

Why can't I stop with the feeling sorry for myself and just live the life that I DO have? It doesn't suck. Not that much, anyway...